life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
That accounts for only three of the penises
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
