She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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