He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
