That's intense
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
