I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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