I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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