I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
