I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
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he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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