So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i wish my penis had a tongue
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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