needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
being pregnant is like rehab
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
