So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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