Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
