I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You pole danced in your parka.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
