Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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