My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
