how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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