I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
