someone threw a dead crab at me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
