Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
