I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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