Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
