I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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