Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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