When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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