dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
