I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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