Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
