i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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