Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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