never play flip cup with pint glasses
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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