I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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