i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
