What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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