He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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