I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
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Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
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Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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