Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
