Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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