I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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