I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
