i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
