I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
