Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
