I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
