The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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