i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
