Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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