he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
