i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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