I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Girls should come with a carfax report
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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