I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
