I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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