I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
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Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
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Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.