you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
