Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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