She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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