Don't make out with my wife yet
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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