I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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