Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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