"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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