she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
