it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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